days4&5

Nothing new to report for days 4 OR 5 -- except that....

After FIVE days of being bulimic, I dropped one pants size. Suck that, healthy diet and exercise!

She is the Biggest Liar!

True story, my friends and I went to buy pants and I went down one pants size. It could be all the extraneous walking around and shopping thats been happening in my life but I digress.

I should admit, I've yet to actually throw up my food. All the 'drinking to get drunk and throw up' isn't working. I think my kidneys might be failing but damn it, I haven't thrown up yet.

With all the drinking I've been doing lately, I really should rework my blog to be more fitting to my alcholism. That might be the real problem.

Day Three -- Why We Purge

let's talk about our feelings

I feel like today would be a good day to address WHY we purge since it's Valentines Day.


As many of you know if you've read my first two entries, there is an empty, un-fillable space in the pit of my stomach. It probably actually started in my heart but since my heart is three-sizes too small this day, the space had to move to a bigger area-- my stomach. Imagine the Jeffersons when they lived next to the Bunkers and then moved to their mansion in the sky, it's like that.


If we're talking about feelings though, I imagine the first one we should talk about is ANGER LOVE.
Why anger love, you ask? Anger Love is the opposite of synonymous with happiness.


As you can hopefully tell, I forgot all about Valentines Day when I started this entry this morning. It wasn't until I walked outside and my best friend was hit in the face with an "I Choo Choo You" train balloon that I remembered what was going on. My whole post was going to be about anger -- and why I think my bulimia will help with it. I am angry about everything. To know me personally, I'm such a ray of fucking sunshine but underneath it, I'm very angry. The problem with my anger (which is the same reason why I'm fat) is that I'm lazy. I'm too lazy to be actively pissed off at people. It's too emotional and exhausting to hold a grudge -- or to even care for longer than a minute. That's why I forgive people for things so easily. I'm too lazy to even be angry.


However! What is a better reason to develop an eating disorder than the heartache and pain that comes from LOVE?? Oh Valentines Day... You got this.

I hate being "in love." For one thing, I don't believe it truly exists in relationships. I had to learn that the hard way. The lack of control in my own life causes me to over-eat -- which, in turn, makes me a fattie.

me and my small bike on the way to KFC

this is how i roll

To better understand oneself, it might be best to try to uncover the reason behind your own personal eating disorder. You can't defend your stance of pro-bulimia if you don't first understand WHY you're doing it. Sit down, dig deep inside yourself to find those personal demons and stuff your mouth with food and puke it all out -- personal demons and all. It will help, I promise.

Without getting too specific about me, I am in a transition period in my life. Like when crabs move to a bigger shell, I feel like this is my time to shine, except that the end of something is always sad and it's hard to move past it. It's hard to let go.


I had sushi for dinner and I have to say, it's not going to be easy to throw up. The idea of fish coming back up the other way makes me a little nauseous... so I guess I'm succeeding in my task.

I also bought some generic slim-fast (chocolate) and my friend is suppose to be making a diet plan for me (that does NOT include eggs -- the idea of eggs coming back up the other way is worse than fish) so I'll be sure to include that ASAP.

Tip of the Day -- if you don't want to throw up, try laxatives. You should definitely stay hydrated though if you're going this route because too much of anything coming out of either end is no bueno and could make you sick.

Day Two

Today is withholding food and purging.


Withholding food is NOT easy -- especially for a fat girl. First of all, food is delicious. I like to eat when I get emotional and I get emotional a lot lately. Trust me, it's not beyond me how cliche it is to cry into my chicken mcnuggets, getting them soggy but still eating them because I just can't stop.

she hates it when i cry on her



Withholding food is NOT easy. I get hungry three-four times a day. I can offer no advice for that -- except don't eat.

ALSO drink lots of water or broth, ect.

You know what also helps with the liquid diet and purging? Alcohol. I've been drinking a lot more lately and last time I got drunk, it definitely would have helped to purge the tequila after I ate that chicken quesadilla. I felt like such a fattie after eating the quesadilla and taco but I also felt that sad void filling up somewhat, bringing me peace for a moment.

Since throwing up is hard for me, I realized I have to develop a plan to make it easier for me.

Step ONE of my plan is to drink until I throw up. At least until I am comfortable with throwing up on my own, I think this is the best plan I have.

Step TWO is liquid diet any other time.

Step THREE - if I have to eat food, nothing too big and NOTHING tomato-based or anything that would potentially give me indigestion. I don't get indigestion  but I know people who do. I'll just think about the things they can't eat. My reasoning is if it potentially gives people indigestion, then it will probably stir up the stomach acid, making the food hurt coming up. Gross, right? Hopefully my reasoning is correct and I'll just stick to noodles and breads.

I don't know which is worse -- indigestion or carbs.

CARBS!

Slap on a litle butter and it will slide right out while purging

I think my alcohol idea is a good one though. It gives me the self-esteem I don't have otherwise and the ability to flirt with men and to feel amazing.

THEN the next day, I have such a headache that I don't just WANT to throw up, I NEED too.

Since this isn't 30 Days to Alcoholism, I'll try to keep the alcoholic adventure stories to a minimum but suffice it to say, whenever I get a headache (hangover, migraine), I always want to throw up and that's moving towards my goal.

Throwing Up Tip of the Day: Don't wait too long after eating to throw up. If you wait too long, your stomach digests the food. If you do it right away, it doesn't hurt as bad and it comes up as food.

Introduction - Day ONE

I decided I wanted to lose weight.
After weeks and weeks of going to the gym, I decided that brisk walking on a treadmill for 30 minutes once or twice a week just wasn't giving me the results I wanted. I tried and tried but damn it, sweating is gross. I even wonder if it's worth it during sex.


Regardless, this is how I feel most of the time:

Slight exaggeration of my body

Not even the smooth flavor of diet orange flavored Crush could fill the empty void of sadness in the pit of my stomach.


Obviously being that overweight is a problem. After talking it over with my friends, I realized that an eating disorder was probably the best way to go -- especially for someone like me, who has a tendancy to procrastinate and is a little lazy.


Bulimia was the eating disorder I chose -- or should I say, it chose me.
According to Wiki, Bulimia "is an eating disorder characterized by restraining of food intake for a period of time followed by an over intake or binging period that results in feelings of guilt and low self-esteem... The most common form is defensive vomiting, sometimes called purging; fasting, the use of laxatives, enemas, diuretics, and over exercising are also common."


Restraining of food intake for a period of time then overeating? That's what I do every day! I don't eat breakfast -- I don't usually over eat at lunch but I could start. That pit of sadness isn't getting any smaller and cheeseburgers are a delicious way to make myself feel better.


Defensive vomiting -- admitting, I hate vomiting. We'll have to work on that.


I am not against laxatives but I am not even considering an enema.


"over exercising are also common"?!?
That has to be the most upsetting. Exercise? Clearly I don't understand the point of an eating disorder. I don't want to have to over-exercise. I barely 'barely-exercise'. I think I'll work up to "over exercising".


My end goal is to look something like this:

slight overexaggeration of my future body

There was this episode of Full House where D.J. starts working out hardcore and puts pictures of skinny models on the refrigerator. John Stamos, Bob Saget and Co. were really upset by this (even though I'm sure history can now pinpoint this episode as when the Olsen twins began their own bulimia journey) and D.J. ended up loving herself as she was <insert audience 'awww's and tears>.
I already love myself -- I just hate that I can't wear the clothes I want to wear -- so I don't know how Bob Saget is going to save me.
I think D.J. had a good idea though. I am going to tape pictures of clothes I like all over my house and above my toilet to remind myself of WHY I'm doing this.
D.J. also had another really good idea for 'food'. In the episode, instead of eating food, she would make 'ice cubes on a stick' and eat it instead. Bitch was so dramatic, she couldn't even make them flavored. She was crying for help.

dramatic ice-eating bitch

Other than the bland taste, she had a good idea. I think freezing chicken broth or juice might be a good idea. Your body does need SOME calories, after all. If we're having an eating disorder, we should try to do it as healthy as possible.

Tune in tomorrow because Day Two is going to cover withholding food until we can't take it and purging. I have a feeling that vomiting is going to be a daily challenge.