Day Two

Today is withholding food and purging.


Withholding food is NOT easy -- especially for a fat girl. First of all, food is delicious. I like to eat when I get emotional and I get emotional a lot lately. Trust me, it's not beyond me how cliche it is to cry into my chicken mcnuggets, getting them soggy but still eating them because I just can't stop.

she hates it when i cry on her



Withholding food is NOT easy. I get hungry three-four times a day. I can offer no advice for that -- except don't eat.

ALSO drink lots of water or broth, ect.

You know what also helps with the liquid diet and purging? Alcohol. I've been drinking a lot more lately and last time I got drunk, it definitely would have helped to purge the tequila after I ate that chicken quesadilla. I felt like such a fattie after eating the quesadilla and taco but I also felt that sad void filling up somewhat, bringing me peace for a moment.

Since throwing up is hard for me, I realized I have to develop a plan to make it easier for me.

Step ONE of my plan is to drink until I throw up. At least until I am comfortable with throwing up on my own, I think this is the best plan I have.

Step TWO is liquid diet any other time.

Step THREE - if I have to eat food, nothing too big and NOTHING tomato-based or anything that would potentially give me indigestion. I don't get indigestion  but I know people who do. I'll just think about the things they can't eat. My reasoning is if it potentially gives people indigestion, then it will probably stir up the stomach acid, making the food hurt coming up. Gross, right? Hopefully my reasoning is correct and I'll just stick to noodles and breads.

I don't know which is worse -- indigestion or carbs.

CARBS!

Slap on a litle butter and it will slide right out while purging

I think my alcohol idea is a good one though. It gives me the self-esteem I don't have otherwise and the ability to flirt with men and to feel amazing.

THEN the next day, I have such a headache that I don't just WANT to throw up, I NEED too.

Since this isn't 30 Days to Alcoholism, I'll try to keep the alcoholic adventure stories to a minimum but suffice it to say, whenever I get a headache (hangover, migraine), I always want to throw up and that's moving towards my goal.

Throwing Up Tip of the Day: Don't wait too long after eating to throw up. If you wait too long, your stomach digests the food. If you do it right away, it doesn't hurt as bad and it comes up as food.